Don’t ask me about the best time to visit Morocco. I chose May (in my defense, I had some limitations), and that’s clearly questionable – nice in the North, but cold for the beaches. Pick another month or break your travels into parts, focusing on one region at a time. Either way, there are some basic, non-seasonal rules that may help you survive whatever Morocco serves you.

EAT

Pack your own food. Just joking.. or not.

According to the internet, the must-try dishes are: tagine, couscous, pastilla, harira, and msemen.

• I’m one of those people who give a massive eyeroll whenever someone says tagine. The reason is simple: the cooking method is well known and used in many other cultures, but the difference is that others use fucking spices.
• Harira is maybe the only safe food to order – by safe, I mean it will taste alright.
• Msemen (funny name) is the best meal base – like any other flatbread in Eastern cuisine.

Long story short: Go where the locals eat, ask for honey in your mint tea, don’t believe the overpriced restaurants, suck on all the juicy fruits (they’re the best), and be tough because a good morning coffee is never guaranteed.

STAY

Plenty of accommodations (hostels, riads, villas, Airbnb, you name it), but before booking, check the map, pin the spots you want to visit, and book accordingly.

• Closer to the medinas is rustic and noisy, the downtown borders are the Goldilocks zone, and the outskirts offer luxury, private stays.
• Riads may charge extra taxes regardless of what you pay on booking sites (it is what it is).
• Be prepared for not everything to look like the photos.. but sometimes in a positive way.

MOVE

In the city: walk. Or use taxis. There are two types – petit (for city) and grand (for distance). To get an idea about fair fares, ask your accommodation so you don’t get scammed. Example: The real price from the Marrakech airport area to the medina is 30 MAD. From the airport taxi stand, it’s around 80 MAD, and that’s the same price from where the haggling starts.

Fun fact: Petit taxis are a different color in every big city. In Fez, they’re red and called ladybugs.

Getting around the country is trickier.

• Either book a tour, and they’ll take you to places.
• If you prefer some more freedom, there are buses between the cities, and fancy-looking train lines connecting mainly the west coast. Travel time may be ass-hurting, and may cost the same as flying – so it’s definitely worth planning ahead and doing your research.

• You can also rent a car.. but ultimate freedom comes with fines (see below). In addition, car rental companies don’t accept all cards, and the rental includes an extremely high deposit (completely unreasonable) that is only refunded after 1 month. I find this very annoying – or it’s just me (again?) being uncomfortable with some Moroccan bank sitting on my money.

• If you want to save stress and still go wherever you want, hire a car with a driver. There are many companies in every city (you can find them on Google), and it’s best to book at least 1 day in advance (depending on the season, you may need to book even earlier). When you factor in fuel, rental, and possible penalties, you will end up with a much cheaper expense.

• Last but not least, you can negotiate with grand taxi drivers to take you from A to B. Once you’ve hired one driver, stay in touch, because this will unlock the driver chain access and let you get good prices and probably reliable rides to your next destinations.

SPEAK

Three words to learn:

• Marhaba – hello
• Sukran – thank you
• Kasih kasih – meh (not commonly used, but that was so my mood, so the expression found me, and they will understand right away when you use it)

Language is a funny thing. Tour guides in the Sahara speak easily five languages, at least on a conversational level, and most tourists only speak one.. with a dialect. Multilingual people live in the poorest, most remote parts of the world, while monolinguals rule and (try to) dominate everyone. This feels so off-balance.

Anyway, if you don’t speak Arabic or French, you can still get a lot done in English, or simply use a translation app, which will do the magic.

CONNECT

Frankly, it’s good to have internet and reception, at least for GPS, although the internet is in and out due to the lots of outback (or whatever they call these no-man’s-land areas here). You can buy SIM cards at airports or small kiosks in town, but the most convenient is an eSIM. However, since you’re in the land of scams, it will cost twice as much as European prices (just sayin’).

PAY

You will spend a lot, and you’ll realize it when you end up exchanging money every other day. It’s ridiculous in the price-to-value context, but I don’t get started on that (again).

• Restaurants and hotels usually take cards; elsewhere, cash only.

• Bring EUR or USD (valuable alternatives), and follow the crowd to the best money changers.
• The currency, Moroccan Dirham (MAD), is useless outside the country – spend it all, or swap it for a useful one at the airport before leaving.

SCAM

The whole country is a con, and certain people are elevating that further.

• I have no firsthand experience, but apparently, many guides and tours are classic traps. If you have some travel experience and Arabic-world insight, you can avoid this with little preparation – or just listen to your gut, oh, and agree on prices in advance.

• The grossest scam here, however, is the police. I read about it, and what a surprise, I had to experience it too. They just stop you and lie to your face, and since you can’t prove it, you have to pay. The amount depends on how much time and energy you invest in the deal, but few things in life are worth less than arguing with a Moroccan man. Suck it up and leave with 200-300 MAD less.
  Pro move: Put 200 MAD in the car documents – they’ll just take it and (generally speaking) not ask for more, and let you drive away.

SURVIVE

• While Morocco is big on scams, short on loos. Be prepared for a poor hygiene situation outside accommodations. Carrying wet tissues and hand sanitizer is gold.

• If you don’t want to look like half the tourists with red sunburn stripes, apply sunscreen before leaving your room. Even if it feels breezy or cold, sightseeing can leave you with nasty marks. And of course, hydrate!
  Little extra: Try the local argan and olive oils, they’re pretty good for the skin. Just avoid the fakes (yes, there are plenty).

• For my ladies: Brace yourself against 24/7 catcalling. No matter what you wear or do, staring eyes and unwanted comments will fly your way nonstop. Add a resting bitch face to your outfit and wear it proudly.

---