Fuck it, I just drop it. My strongest recommendation, regardless of your destination, is to never visit a place with expectations. Or you can have them.. but then don’t be surprised when your delulu is destroyed, and all that’s left after you leave is a sour taste, a frown, and a hollow feeling in your soul while you wonder, what’s wrong with you.

This may be an unpopular opinion amid the Morocco hype of recent years, but shall we be real for a sec?! Tasteless food, terrible coffee, unjustified prices, shameless rip-offs, the worst driving style I’ve ever seen, catcalling men, and floating poops in way too many toilets that still gives me PTSD.

That’s Morocco. And I can’t even tell if the problem was the direction of the trip (south to north), the set and setting (family can be exhausting enough on its own), the Arabic men giving me too much annoyance, or all of it combined. Or wait.. was I actually the problem? What’s wrong with me?

MARRAKECH

Short beds, high prices.

90% of the social media content is people posing in medinas and riads, selling the colorful dream. Shame on me, I bought into it too. But despite the overwhelming impressions, spending two days in Marrakesh is more than enough. Why?

• Markets are terrible, crowded, with the same shit everywhere. The cobra dance is fun tho.
• Food is bad on average, whether it’s the market, a corner shop, or a restaurant. Only the fresh fruit juices are dope.
• The streets often stink of horse shit, and having to bargain (especially with taxis) every. single. time. is bloody exhausting.
• And all hotel and Airbnb beds are short AF. I get that the average Arab height is 170 cm, but the missing length of the beds is noticeable.

Everyone comes to Marrakesh to see the exact same spots. If you want to save yourself unnecessary pain, think and plan ahead, and surely avoid weekends. This way, you can tick off the sights in a single city-walk day.

• Jardin Majorelle: The mainstream of the mainstream, but a frankly gorg gem. But here’s the deal: no ticket counter, only online tickets, and a massive crowd waiting in line for their entry slot (every 30 minutes). Kinda disgusting shocking. So book your ticket in advance and pick a time after 3:30 pm to get less people in your photos, less suffocating heat in your face, and more glittering afternoon or golden-hour colors.
• Madrasa Ben Youssef: Another crowded place, but stuns with its detailed architecture. Most people run in and out after the mandatory photoshoot sesh, but why not slow down and soak in the incredible ornaments (even the toilets are photogenic)?! Walk-in tickets (50 MAD), but if you see a bus group approaching, wait a bit.
• Le Jardin Secret: Pretty, though more of a moderately quiet, refreshing green escape from the medina than a must-see. The entry feels steep (100 MAD) for what you get, but do it once with a cool drink in your hand and your ass on a bench under the palms, to recharge your batteries.

ESSAOUIRA

May is not the season.

I’m surrounded by surfers, and everyone’s praising Morocco. Yet even they admit that it’s nowhere near comparable to Indonesia.. so I guess the hype is just out of pain (lack of options around Europe). Anyway, May is definitely not the month to enjoy the ocean: 22 degrees, hurricane-ish winds, and probably ice-cold water (I didn’t even dip my toes in it).

Apart from the medina, which is the only attraction (again, lack of options), Essaouira is a shithole.. but with excessive constructions to develop it (at least for FIFA?). However, the final drop (and dealbreaker) for me was the coastline at sunset. If you’re a 20-something backpacker girl into situationship with a lolal guy and dealing with his drunk tantrums every night, then this is your place. Hm.. so familiar.. I’ve seen this somewhere. Oh yeah.. Lombok. Lombok punya in Africa. IYKYK (hard skip).

I’m shitting on this area, but it has potential for an enjoyable time:

1. Come in the right season – again, that’s not May.
2. Stay in a private pool villa – and cook for yourself.
3. If you’re not into Moroccan village guys, get yourself a good company before arrival – you’ll figure out the rest.

SAHARA

Sticky fingers in the sand.

A Sahara trip is a must for everyone in Morocco. POV the best deal is going one-way, spending at least 3 days/2 nights.
I booked the Marrakesh-Fez route without much research (kinda wanted to see things with naive eyes). The 3-day journey through the Atlas, the Dades Gorges, and the Sahara presents a surface-level highlight of everything. If you still feel like returning, you’ll probably choose to self-drive and go deeper.

Here are my conclusions:

• Organized tours are not for me. Pretty long, exhausting days, controlled feeding (I felt like a cattle), half the stops are meh, and sometimes there’s just no group vibez.
• Shit in the toilets is a casual experience. I understand the water shortage situation, but if a country invites and hosts this many tourists and charges as much as Morocco does, they should put effort into sorting out basic hygiene. There are plenty of alternatives. Just sayin’.
• There’s such a thing as too much sand. The dunes look amazing, especially at sunset, but sticky sand finds its way. Everywhere. Also, dry skin can reach interesting new levels – hydrate like crazy and don’t wear shorts.
• You don’t have to camel if there are jeeps. Period.
• Temperature difference is hardcore. Luckily, super-heavy duvets keep you warm – and pinned – all night.
• Food tastes better in the desert. But the mint tea is a fucking gamble.

Let’s hold on here for a sec. Someone please explain that wherever you get a welcome mint tea, it tastes yummy, but when you order one, what you get is horrendous. By the end of the travels, we figured that the magic ingredient is honey. But guess what.. they never serve honey when you pay for the bloody tea. Take this as an insider tip: don’t give up on Moroccan mint tea, just ask for honey right away.

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