This is kinda my goodbye post to Bali, and I don’t know how I feel about it. Nine months. Pregnancy for someone – a whole new life for me (which is pretty much the same thing). Unexpected, spontaneous, stirring, hectic, and perhaps the best word is: heavy.

GO BIG OR GO HOME.

I didn’t want to come to Bali. I just had a chance to meet a friend, then I felt something calling me to return. A year ago, all I knew was that my homeland was not my home. I didn’t expect to feel such comfort and familiarity in Bali that I would be stuck here for almost a year – even though it was obvious that this place wasn’t my home either, just a temporary stay.

I always had an ambivalent feeling about Bali: it looks beautiful on the surface, but the more I know, the more I fall out of love with it. Of course, I was also fascinated by the smell of the incense and beautiful flowers, the highly detailed architecture, the cute offerings on the streets, and the colourful ceremonies. Obviously, I wanted to see, know, and understand more. But, as the proverb says, Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Well.. I fell into this trap, too.

I could talk about the money-driven everyday life, the fact that everything has to be bigger and busier, and the closed-minded approach that is based on biological age superiority. But it’s not my business. If the Balinese want to build the biggest statue in the world despite their belief not to build anything taller than a coconut tree, if they want to fill up all the rice fields and cut down forests, if they want to sit on top of their garbage.. it’s not my business.

It doesn’t mean I don’t care; I just try to focus on what I can change and not stress about what I can’t. In fact, I couldn’t be more grateful for all these experiences (good and bad); seeing the whole picture and understanding the dynamics is a unique and powerful gift. The remaining challenge is not to judge based on the knowledge gathered because, at this point, Bali (the island of the gods) seems like the seamy underbelly of the gods. But maybe it’s really not my business.

EVERYTHING THAT HAS A BEGINNING HAS AN ENDING.

The ultimate law of this physical life is that everything changes. An era ends, and I acknowledge it with a light heart and a faint smile. I’ve been feeling for a while that this Bali life is ending for me, and it’s alright. I can’t count the blessings I’ve received during my stay, but I’d like to believe I’ve given some back, too.

It’s impossible to resist all the impulses. My outlook on life, needs, and communication have all smoothed, and I’m not perfect, I fail, but I try to be authentic and open, and I keep learning. And what did I learn here?

FRUSTRATION. The colourful soul-killing mix of anger, inability, low vibration, overthinking, and comfort zone laziness. And I can finally let it all go with a coffee and a cigarette (partly joking). The key is to stop and ask: Does it matter? When I see how stupid I’m acting in my head, I take a deep breath and exhale it.

LONELINESS. I am alone; I always have been. I’m a whole being, not just half of something (not a twin flame believer), but sometimes, being alone can be tedious and heavy. I often feel lonely while missing real interactions, physical touch, or someone on the same page to exchange thoughts and feelings. Yes, I’m still alone.

STRENGTH. The spirit and the pure healing beauty within myself. Facing the truth and dealing with it. Also, the caring and embracing power of Mother Nature. Human constructions are the deconstruction of nature. No wonder how many earthquakes are happening; still, she’s never harmful, only strives for balance. We should do the same.

TRUST. Everything happens as it has to happen. It was hard to let go of control, close my eyes and flow. But the push was so strong and clear that I had to learn to trust the Universe. It does not decide for us; the decision and the responsibility are ours, but when we finally make it, it supports us in every possible way. Sometimes, I feel like it’s all just a dream because everything happens so simply and easily. And that’s it. Only our minds want to control and overcomplicate this very simple thing called life.

LOVE. The unconditional love of nature and myself. So easy to forget about self-love, but how could we love anything without loving ourselves first? This is not selfishness; only what is inside can shine through. I learned the hard way to accept and love my decisions, my body, the life I choose to live, and the freedom to change my mind at any time.

TOURIST. TRAVELLER. GUEST.

People who leave their homes to see the world are tourists or travellers. I am neither – I’m a guest. A guest in a foreign country and a guest on planet Earth. Bali taught me the true meaning of occhiolism. I’ve always loved gazing at the stars and the sky, and realizing our smallness in the Universe gives me infinite peace and tranquility. Knowing our limits, how much we ultimately don’t know, and letting go of that burden of wanting is the key.

A goat without a plan is just a fish. (The original quote sounds different, but I like my version more.) I’m neither a goat nor a fish, and I don’t have a plan. Right now, I don’t see the path, and somehow, it doesn’t give me anxiety. I trust that I’m looking in the right direction, and that’s perfectly enough. So now I pack my bag and make my last exit to the airport. And I say THANK YOU.

Thank you for the tanned skin. The lessons. Living with nature. To show me the way to simple life. The best Brazilian waxing. The delicious juicy fruits. The salty, curly hair. The smiles of the locals. The sunsets. The amazing street food. My scooter driving skills. The ylang-ylang. And all the beautiful souls I was lucky enough to meet here.